Just when I thought I was out...

...they pull me back in.  Things have been going swimmingly.  I've been at the gym everyday, thinking about my future plans and adjusting to getting my life back and then... damn, the dreaded email.  Please, please come back and help train these neophites. Sigh.  I have no choice as he is still signing my cheques. 37 days and counting.  I can do anything for 37 days.

This is going to slow down my blanket progress. I am trying to decide whether or not to block it when I'm done.  Blocking will even out the stitches and give me more width as well as make it much easier to add whatever border I decide to add, but I just love the rolling hills texture of it now. Decisions, decisions.

I am trying to make things better by: taking my vitamins.  I am a huge fan of Greens+ and have been for many years.  But it is expensive and my upcoming economic shortfall means I am going to need to moderate this $65 a month expense.  So I have bought a good quality multi vitamin to take on alternate days. And yes, I realize that quitting smoking will make more of a difference to my health than all the multi vitamins I can choke down.  I'm on it.

The beginning of the end

On Friday I was told not to show up for work next week.  And to clean out my desk of personal effects, after hours if you please. And that he may have me perform some work from home  What a relief.  Phew.  Its almost over, that horrible job with the crazy, nasty boss.  

I believe he will keep me on the hook until the bitter end, parsing out my pay week by week and sending me nasty emails at home regarding various perceived work defects he finds in my absence.  I will be very, very surprised if he doesn't simply refuse to pay me to the conclusion of my notice at some point as he becomes enraged over something or another he comes across as he trains his new people.  My co-workers and I, none of who remain at the job now, always took great care in covering our asses due to these sorts of accusations.  The boss has a problematic, some might say selective, memory and a frightening temper.  And I am no longer there to defend myself.  Whatever.  Not being paid would suck but  having to continue to put up with the abuse would suck more.  Best case scenario would be that he just gives up on me.  Here's hoping.

I've been working diligently on my entrelac banket.

Again, sorry about the murky color.  I'm shooting this in the wee hours of the morning.  It's actually quite a bit prettier than it appears.  And it's 50 inches long which I think will work out well after I put a border on it.  Which sort of border I'm not certain yet.  But I'm going to enjoy figuring it out.  

I am slowly feeling happier about life.  And like the entrelac, it may not have been what I envisioned but with some improvision I think it may be just fine.

I have made things better by:  Seeing the end of the job coming certainly but I've also been diligent about working out and I have convinced myself that the carton of cigarettes I bought yesterday will be my last. I'm going to do it. Finally.  The time is not going to get any better.  End of the month. I can do it.  

    

Entrelac monster

I should know by now, I really should.  The length of a cast on does not necessarily reflect how long said knitting is going to be. Specifically, the longer the cast on the more unpredictable this becomes.  And apparently this is particularly true for entrelac.  Witness...

Good God, I swear this should be half this length.  Upon reflection I have decided to go with it and am redesigning the blanket in my mind as I go.  I simply have put too much work into this to frog it and it really is quite pretty.  (It is 5am and there is no proper light to shoot this and get true color.  I will try again on the weekend.)

I am down with the flu, no surprise really with the stress of the holidays and all the other crap I am dealing with.  So, hopped up on over-the-counter meds I spent yesterday (and will again today) in my chair knitting and watching movie after movie.  I have discovered that I am more than able to watch The King's Speech basically on a continuous loop despite the consternation of my sons who remain on Christmas vacation.  Colin Firth is yummy and makes me feel better than any combination of meds (and perhaps wine, so sue me, its four o'clock somewhere and I'm sick).

Days 5 and 6:  I made thngs better by: Colin Firth, eating oranges instead of cookies, actually taking sick days without guilt and obsessing over what is going down at the office in my absence.  42 days and counting and I am caring less and less. Its about bloody time, dumb me. 

Can you tell the difference?

New camera.  Better I think.

I am sitting here and just staring at this screen, too tired to try and be creative.  Emotionally exhausted, this day was long and the final weeks of my job are obviously going to be difficult. I am finding it difficult to be enthusiastic about about the prospect of a new life when I am mired in the crap of my old one. Anyway, the entrelac is coming along slowly, and I was able to borrow a PSW text book to check the program out.

Day 4: I made things better by: No junk food (but I did enjoy a peanut butter sandwich so big fail on the sugar fight)  and a killer workout. 

Good God its COLD!

-25 celsius tonight.  A week ago Christmas was 10 degrees and snowless, today holy crap its cold and I spent an hour digging out before I could get the car out of the garage this morning.  Though I have to say in the darkness of 6 am it was exceedingly beautiful as the snow fell under the street lights.

Hello Winter, my old friend.

Day 3:  I made things better by:  looking into PSW training.  With my dismissal imminent  I am considering a career overhaul. Being proactive makes me feel better.  Also, still no sugar.

Ack! Entrelac

So on the weekend I picked up some assorted heathered Berroco Peruvian to go with my Raku. I have my heart set on a throw, but what design?  I've looked at them all, Lizard Ridge, 10 Stitch Blanket, Squares on a Roll etc.   In the end I decided the project had to meet the following criteria; it would work with varigated yarn (which can get ugly real quick), it would have some textural element (to give it interest and keep me interested) and it would have to be simple enough to knit in front of the television and/or when I'm tired.

Enter entrelac (heh).

Its been years since I've knit entrelac.  Apparently its not like riding a bicycle at all, because I struggled and struggled to pick it up again.  But one day and several washclothes later I think I've got it.

Day 2: I made things better...by avoiding refined sugar.

A New Year, Day 1

This post is going to take some time.  And some thought. I take comfort in the fact that no one reads this so it occurs to me that I should use this to my advantage and get some honesty happening.

I am not one for new year resolutions and, in fact, September has always felt like the time for new beginnings for me but here I am and it is January 1, 2012.

2011 has been a different and difficult year for me.  I lost my spunk this year and I lost my way.  My character generally lends itself to openness and plucky enthusiasm but I have been defeated. In six ways, it turns out. 

1.  Singledom

Two years ago I took up running, lost a load of weight and threw myself into dating, both on-line and in real life. I was determined and committed myself to this goal. I saw it as a flat out effort and priority, this finding of someone, a friend to share life with and to experience love again.  It was a great deal of effort and I persevered for a long time but, ultimately, it was a failure. Apparently, I have been told, my expectations were too high. But I refuse to settle.  I want the real thing and nothing less. The thought of settling for someone in order to avoid being alone, well, that's not me.  And as a consequence I have come to the realization, in my bones, that I will in all likelyhood, spend the rest of my life single.

2.  It's getting hot in here.

I hit menopause full force with all its attendant ticks.  I tried HRT for a while but quit when I became too freaked out by the possible health consequences. 

3.  Empty nesting for single moms.

My eldest son headed for university this year.  He is gifted, a natural academic and got into a highly regarded school and program and I am both proud and happy for him.  There was considerable stress in the working out of the financials and in the loss of his companionship after 18 years of being attached at the hip.  I thought I had cruised through the transition, but now I wonder if  perhaps I didn't simply ignore and deny it.

My younger son is also academically clever and will be leaving for his own university education in 2014.  And suddenly this feels imminent.

I feel strongly right now that raising these two wonderful boys has been my primary life task.  I have done it well I think - they seem to be well adjusted, relatively happy and successful - but it is almost over, my job is almost done And if I am being completely, brutally honest here I can't seem to see past September 2014.  I can't picture a scenario in which I will have any motivation to get out of bed in the morning frankly.  My finances are precarious, I am alone and I am tired. The boys have brought daily light and laughter into my life that I have been unable to find anywhere else and I can 't imagine living a life without that.

4.  Some mistakes were meant to last.

At the time of my divorce quite a few years ago I also lost my best friend of many years.  She freely admitted to being a selfish woman but for some reason I felt immune to that, that our many years of closeness protected me.  I saw her through the loss of both her parents and many of life's trials and tribulations.  When the time came for our positions to be reversed, when I finally needed her help, she bailed. I rolled with it as I always do, blaming myself for my poor choice in friends, but the severity of her betrayal has coloured all my subsequent relationships and I simply do not trust any more.  I find it interesting that the loss of that friendship has effected me far more than the loss of my husband of 14 years ever did.  

5.  The work never ends.

I loath my job and my boss.  Due to my boss's character and possible mental health issues my job carries enormous stress and after 6 years I can honestly say I am exhausted. Plus it appears I may have been fired.  This has happened before and he has reversed his decision and that may happen again.  I will know more in the coming weeks, however, it occurs to me that it would probably be best for my mental health if it came to pass.  However, financially it will be a big hit and it has become abundantly clear over the past several years that no one is interested in hiring a 50 year old in an admin capacity.  Why hire me when they can hire a bright eyed and bushy tailed 30 year old with up to the minute computer skills.  My concern is to make ends meet until my youngest heads to university, to do whatever I need to do.  After that, I simply don't know.

6.  Family inheritance

And there is my fight with depression and my biological predisposition for it.  And while I am on low level meds I have not taken this issue seriously enough this past year and am suffering the consequences.  As I have battled this year's stresses my eating habits have suffered. I know food=mood but haven't been practicing it and shame on me.

So, the time has come to own it all and turn the tide, or not.  And today I choose to turn it around. One year, 365 days of trying to make it better, one day at a time.  Full, flat out effort, like I did with the dating project and an honest reassessment one year from today, January 1, 2013.

Day 1: To thine own self be true.