Things I can't show you today

It comes as no surprise to me that I am sick again, this time with a monstrous cold.  I rarely get sick. I expect this is due to a combination of good genes (hearty Dutch and English stock), almost daily Greens+ and fervent handwashing. But when my immunity gets felled I tend to get one illness on top of another, making up for lost time I imagine.

All my body wanted yesterday was sleep.  And I left work early to accomodate it.  Sleep in my bed, sleep on my couch. I was exhausted, blearly eyed and suffering from the usual sneezing and sniffling depicted so well on all those cold medicine commercials that play non-stop this time of year.  Anyway, Max was to come home from university last evening and asked to be picked up from the train station, about 40 minutes drive from home.  At 7ish. But maybe 6:30ish, he wasn't sure. Because he is a) male and b) a teenager he had lost his phone and couldn't contact me on the road and I suspect wasn't organized enough to catch the appropriate train and connecting bus to get him there on time.  Long story short - I sat in cold car (alternating running the car for warmth and then not to conserve gas), in a dark, empty parking lot for 2 1/2 hours waiting for him. He was only saved from being torn asunder by me because hours of building anger and illness had totally burnt me out by the time he finally arrived.

When I awoke this morning after the lousy sort of sleep one has when one is sick I see the camera I had appropriated from Ben and have been using for this blog sitting on the table apparently to be taken on Max's travels to meet up with friends this weekend.  I'm not thrilled to be losing the camera all weekend but I can live with that.  What frustrates me is that when I went to grab the cable to download the pictures I have sitting on it, a cable I am careful to always leave in the same place so it is always on hand, I couldn't find it.  Of course. God only knows what he has done with it. 

Consequently I am unable to show you the pictures of;

a)  the progress of my entrelac blanket which has taken an interesting turn and,
b) a soup can (there is a story there, not a particularily interesting one but a story nonetheless)and,
c) something else I cannot recall but that I am sure was inspired and riveting.

I am making the infamous Cabbage Soup this morning in an attempt to kick start better eating habits and to detox my way out of this cold.  I was going to take pictures. I guess its back to my old camera.  I had better be able to find the cable or blood will be shed.

Bucket list (sort of)

I have been giving some thought to places I would like to see and things I would like to do, not so much "before I die" but more "if I ever have the opportunity". 

My life of single motherhood has been rife with responsibility and time and money have been in short supply.  I have developed an armour of pragmatism and lack of sentimentality to cope with those responsibilities. This is not a new story, I have met many single moms who cannot afford, either financially or emotionally, to acknowledge their own hopes and wishes.  Perhaps this coming to terms with our individual realities is simply part of growing older or a result of the harsh realities of life, nevertheless, it is still sad. Over the years I have simply shut down the part of me that longs to see beautiful things and explore fabulous places.  My brother and my parents have all travelled extensively and there is a particular pain in being left behind, to hear them tell their stories and to covet those experiences.  I am neither proud of, nor comfortable with, my self-pity, but there it is nonetheless.

So I have decided to open a little window into my own personal longings to see what may still linger there.  First up:  the Victoria and Albert Museum.

 

I actually went to this museum many years ago, though my memories are sparse.  The V&A is a museum of art and design located in London, England. It is massive and world-renowned and exactly suits my taste in museums - focusing on textiles and history, decor and design.


Can you imagine standing here, surrounded by all this jewellry? Wonderful.

Would you like to go on a little adventure and see something really interesting?   You are looking for this.

Go here. Wait for it... wait for it... there it is at the top, its called a chatelaine.  Now, click on the image. And again. And again.  See?  Isn't that amazing?  I love that.

This is hand done and simply gorgeous.



Creepy AND wonderful.  Ever since seeing The Sound of Music as a child I have had a thing for puppets and marionettes.



I could look at excellent photography for days.  The most riveting photos to me are the ones that shout a story.  I love this one.  It made me laugh out loud.






This is the V&A Cafe.  I very much want to sit there and have a cup of tea and a piece of cake.




This could go on and on.  The link is here should you be interested.

Random thoughts

This has been a strange week.

1.  I know it is lame to discuss the weather, but honestly, how strange is it that last night it poured rain? Ben said that it feels as though it is the early days of Spring, that winter is over before it began. Of course we still have quite a ways to go before March but I have to say this reprieve is going to make this Winter much shorter and go a long way in alleviating the dreaded February depression.  Thank God.

2.  Schadenfreude.  Absolutely am I shallow enough to thoroughly enjoy it and there is schadenfreude in spades at work right now.  I was called back in to help train the two young (very young and pretty) women he hired to replace me because he quickly realized how over his head he was which wasn't the only problem, I soon discovered.  They don't even have basic secretarial skills and are woefully underqualified.  And yesterday (after two days in the new job, just two days!) one of them quit when she saw the dichotomy between her skills and what was going to be expected of her.  She was smart. He is an idiot. 

 He had to "eat crow" (his words)  to call me back, and now matters have gone from bad to worse. This whole dismissal thing has truly been a roller coaster ride and I suppose because I have come to terms with my dismissal my emotional investment in the job is gone and I am really enjoying watching this roll-out.  He is not smirking at me now.

3.  Today I am the mother of a 19 year old son. I have had several conversations this week with parents who are struggling with their kid's attitude problems and failing grades.  I find it very strange that I do not and never really have had those problems with my sons.

By all rights I should have. I had a tumultuous childhood and teenage years, a difficult family situation and then a serious backlash when I finally got out of the family home.  I had some very "adventurous" years in my twenties and there is very little I didn't try at one time or another. My kids went through a divorce and at times I was very bitter. 

I have made so many mistakes and done so many stupid things over the last 19 years and they have been part of it all. And yet here they stand, tall and strong and smart with whip-sharp senses of humour and irony.  They are far better people than I ever could be and I honestly don't know how that happened. There is one small thing though.  I have always liked my kids and enjoyed their company and thought the world of them and they have always known that.  And maybe in the cyclical way life works that has been enough to make up for many of my failings as a person and a mom.

I am making things better by: working out diligently.  Forget about the diet thing. I am hardly being pristine about that (timbits yesterday, sigh) And I'm smoking like a chimney. Goddammit. 

Just when I thought I was out...

...they pull me back in.  Things have been going swimmingly.  I've been at the gym everyday, thinking about my future plans and adjusting to getting my life back and then... damn, the dreaded email.  Please, please come back and help train these neophites. Sigh.  I have no choice as he is still signing my cheques. 37 days and counting.  I can do anything for 37 days.

This is going to slow down my blanket progress. I am trying to decide whether or not to block it when I'm done.  Blocking will even out the stitches and give me more width as well as make it much easier to add whatever border I decide to add, but I just love the rolling hills texture of it now. Decisions, decisions.

I am trying to make things better by: taking my vitamins.  I am a huge fan of Greens+ and have been for many years.  But it is expensive and my upcoming economic shortfall means I am going to need to moderate this $65 a month expense.  So I have bought a good quality multi vitamin to take on alternate days. And yes, I realize that quitting smoking will make more of a difference to my health than all the multi vitamins I can choke down.  I'm on it.

The beginning of the end

On Friday I was told not to show up for work next week.  And to clean out my desk of personal effects, after hours if you please. And that he may have me perform some work from home  What a relief.  Phew.  Its almost over, that horrible job with the crazy, nasty boss.  

I believe he will keep me on the hook until the bitter end, parsing out my pay week by week and sending me nasty emails at home regarding various perceived work defects he finds in my absence.  I will be very, very surprised if he doesn't simply refuse to pay me to the conclusion of my notice at some point as he becomes enraged over something or another he comes across as he trains his new people.  My co-workers and I, none of who remain at the job now, always took great care in covering our asses due to these sorts of accusations.  The boss has a problematic, some might say selective, memory and a frightening temper.  And I am no longer there to defend myself.  Whatever.  Not being paid would suck but  having to continue to put up with the abuse would suck more.  Best case scenario would be that he just gives up on me.  Here's hoping.

I've been working diligently on my entrelac banket.

Again, sorry about the murky color.  I'm shooting this in the wee hours of the morning.  It's actually quite a bit prettier than it appears.  And it's 50 inches long which I think will work out well after I put a border on it.  Which sort of border I'm not certain yet.  But I'm going to enjoy figuring it out.  

I am slowly feeling happier about life.  And like the entrelac, it may not have been what I envisioned but with some improvision I think it may be just fine.

I have made things better by:  Seeing the end of the job coming certainly but I've also been diligent about working out and I have convinced myself that the carton of cigarettes I bought yesterday will be my last. I'm going to do it. Finally.  The time is not going to get any better.  End of the month. I can do it.  

    

Entrelac monster

I should know by now, I really should.  The length of a cast on does not necessarily reflect how long said knitting is going to be. Specifically, the longer the cast on the more unpredictable this becomes.  And apparently this is particularly true for entrelac.  Witness...

Good God, I swear this should be half this length.  Upon reflection I have decided to go with it and am redesigning the blanket in my mind as I go.  I simply have put too much work into this to frog it and it really is quite pretty.  (It is 5am and there is no proper light to shoot this and get true color.  I will try again on the weekend.)

I am down with the flu, no surprise really with the stress of the holidays and all the other crap I am dealing with.  So, hopped up on over-the-counter meds I spent yesterday (and will again today) in my chair knitting and watching movie after movie.  I have discovered that I am more than able to watch The King's Speech basically on a continuous loop despite the consternation of my sons who remain on Christmas vacation.  Colin Firth is yummy and makes me feel better than any combination of meds (and perhaps wine, so sue me, its four o'clock somewhere and I'm sick).

Days 5 and 6:  I made thngs better by: Colin Firth, eating oranges instead of cookies, actually taking sick days without guilt and obsessing over what is going down at the office in my absence.  42 days and counting and I am caring less and less. Its about bloody time, dumb me. 

Can you tell the difference?

New camera.  Better I think.

I am sitting here and just staring at this screen, too tired to try and be creative.  Emotionally exhausted, this day was long and the final weeks of my job are obviously going to be difficult. I am finding it difficult to be enthusiastic about about the prospect of a new life when I am mired in the crap of my old one. Anyway, the entrelac is coming along slowly, and I was able to borrow a PSW text book to check the program out.

Day 4: I made things better by: No junk food (but I did enjoy a peanut butter sandwich so big fail on the sugar fight)  and a killer workout.