Sunday, January 1, 2012

A New Year, Day 1

This post is going to take some time.  And some thought. I take comfort in the fact that no one reads this so it occurs to me that I should use this to my advantage and get some honesty happening.

I am not one for new year resolutions and, in fact, September has always felt like the time for new beginnings for me but here I am and it is January 1, 2012.

2011 has been a different and difficult year for me.  I lost my spunk this year and I lost my way.  My character generally lends itself to openness and plucky enthusiasm but I have been defeated. In six ways, it turns out. 

1.  Singledom

Two years ago I took up running, lost a load of weight and threw myself into dating, both on-line and in real life. I was determined and committed myself to this goal. I saw it as a flat out effort and priority, this finding of someone, a friend to share life with and to experience love again.  It was a great deal of effort and I persevered for a long time but, ultimately, it was a failure. Apparently, I have been told, my expectations were too high. But I refuse to settle.  I want the real thing and nothing less. The thought of settling for someone in order to avoid being alone, well, that's not me.  And as a consequence I have come to the realization, in my bones, that I will in all likelyhood, spend the rest of my life single.

2.  It's getting hot in here.

I hit menopause full force with all its attendant ticks.  I tried HRT for a while but quit when I became too freaked out by the possible health consequences. 

3.  Empty nesting for single moms.

My eldest son headed for university this year.  He is gifted, a natural academic and got into a highly regarded school and program and I am both proud and happy for him.  There was considerable stress in the working out of the financials and in the loss of his companionship after 18 years of being attached at the hip.  I thought I had cruised through the transition, but now I wonder if  perhaps I didn't simply ignore and deny it.

My younger son is also academically clever and will be leaving for his own university education in 2014.  And suddenly this feels imminent.

I feel strongly right now that raising these two wonderful boys has been my primary life task.  I have done it well I think - they seem to be well adjusted, relatively happy and successful - but it is almost over, my job is almost done And if I am being completely, brutally honest here I can't seem to see past September 2014.  I can't picture a scenario in which I will have any motivation to get out of bed in the morning frankly.  My finances are precarious, I am alone and I am tired. The boys have brought daily light and laughter into my life that I have been unable to find anywhere else and I can 't imagine living a life without that.

4.  Some mistakes were meant to last.

At the time of my divorce quite a few years ago I also lost my best friend of many years.  She freely admitted to being a selfish woman but for some reason I felt immune to that, that our many years of closeness protected me.  I saw her through the loss of both her parents and many of life's trials and tribulations.  When the time came for our positions to be reversed, when I finally needed her help, she bailed. I rolled with it as I always do, blaming myself for my poor choice in friends, but the severity of her betrayal has coloured all my subsequent relationships and I simply do not trust any more.  I find it interesting that the loss of that friendship has effected me far more than the loss of my husband of 14 years ever did.  

5.  The work never ends.

I loath my job and my boss.  Due to my boss's character and possible mental health issues my job carries enormous stress and after 6 years I can honestly say I am exhausted. Plus it appears I may have been fired.  This has happened before and he has reversed his decision and that may happen again.  I will know more in the coming weeks, however, it occurs to me that it would probably be best for my mental health if it came to pass.  However, financially it will be a big hit and it has become abundantly clear over the past several years that no one is interested in hiring a 50 year old in an admin capacity.  Why hire me when they can hire a bright eyed and bushy tailed 30 year old with up to the minute computer skills.  My concern is to make ends meet until my youngest heads to university, to do whatever I need to do.  After that, I simply don't know.

6.  Family inheritance

And there is my fight with depression and my biological predisposition for it.  And while I am on low level meds I have not taken this issue seriously enough this past year and am suffering the consequences.  As I have battled this year's stresses my eating habits have suffered. I know food=mood but haven't been practicing it and shame on me.

So, the time has come to own it all and turn the tide, or not.  And today I choose to turn it around. One year, 365 days of trying to make it better, one day at a time.  Full, flat out effort, like I did with the dating project and an honest reassessment one year from today, January 1, 2013.

Day 1: To thine own self be true.


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